The Talented Mr Mollusc
by Andrei
Summary: Snape has an unexpected visitor to his life. NOT ROMANCE. AT ALL.


Title: The Talented Mr Mollusc  
  
Author: Andrei (me)  
  
Rating: I dunno, g or pg. can't be that high  
  
Disclaimer: Its all JK Rowlings. Anything she wants she can have.  
  
Stress, thought Snape that was probably what it was. Just stress. After all it was the  
  
end of a very long week during which he had dealt with a job he hated, students he  
  
loathed, without taking into account their feelings for him, and the extremes they went  
  
to just to make his life even more of a hell than it was and now on top of it all he was  
  
being forced to make a potion for a wizard, no sorry NOT a wizard, a freak whose  
  
presence he hadn't been able to stand since they were both children.  
  
Actually when you thought about it, it would be quite remarkable if something like  
  
this hadn't happened. It was a merely a figment of his imagination. He just wished it  
  
would stop eating all of his essays. Particularly as he had to get them back to the class  
  
he had assigned them to as homework, next lesson.  
  
Snape continued to stare at the octopus with a disillusioned expression on his face.  
  
"I wasn't trained to deal with this sort of thing you know" He said in a strained sort of  
  
voice "Oh explosions I can handle, not to mention table dissolving fluids, it's part of  
  
your training, you have to deal with them everyday as a teacher... especially when  
  
surrounded with the kind of incompetents that I am. But noone ever says watch out  
  
for hallucinations, they turn up every so often and eat things, oh and indecently when  
  
they do you probably need a holiday. The eight legged variety can be particularly  
  
tricky."  
  
The octopus gave him what could be interpreted as a sympathetic look then turned its  
  
attention back to the desk underneath it and started to catalogue Snape's papers in  
  
order of their edibility.  
  
Snape tried again,  
  
"I don't suppose you had the good manners to leave my lesson plan intact? I wouldn't  
  
trouble you only I need it for my next lesson."  
  
"Need what?"  
  
Snape didn't have to even turn to recognise the owner of the irritatingly cheerful voice  
  
coming from behind him.  
  
"Nothing that concerns you Lupin." He answered in the most contemptuous voice he  
  
could manage given the situation at hand.  
  
"Good lord, what is that?" Lupin caught site of the large mollusc sitting on Snape's  
  
desk.  
  
"That," Snape sneered, "is a hallucination."  
  
"Really? Are you sure? Because, to me, it looks like an octopus."  
  
"I assure you it's merely a figment of my imagination, as are you."  
  
"I am?" said Lupin, beginning to sound alarmed.  
  
"Yes. You don't really exist. I'm simply imagining that you do."  
  
"Well in that case, I hope you remembered to imagine my potion"  
  
"Hmmm? Oh yes, its on the cabinet over there" He waved vaguely, eyes never  
  
leaving the octopod creature now using one of it's many tentacles to pull a piece of  
  
brightly coloured letterhead to its large eyes, looking amusingly like it was reading a  
  
newspaper and then after careful scrutiny covering it with ink and setting it aside.  
  
Snape became slowly aware that Lupin had left, after which he sighed and set off for  
  
his next class.  
  
Snape stood at the front of the classroom, a distinct feeling of dread weighing in his  
  
stomach. The class he was to teach had yet to arrive and he had no idea as to what he  
  
was supposed to be teaching them, courtesy of his strange little aquatic friend.  
  
The mad urge to just fall over and sob returned, but instead of giving in to this futile  
  
instinct he turned and almost automatically started writing ingredients on the board.  
  
15 minutes later when his class arrived in dribs and drabs they found him writing at  
  
his desk. Somehow sensing the tense atmosphere in the room all the students filed in  
  
quietly and copied the instructions into their books without complaint, question or  
  
even being told to do so.  
  
Sometime later a particularly brave gryffindor student ventured to put her hand up.  
  
Snape glared at the hand as if the ice in his eyes would make it go away. It didn't.  
  
"Yes Miss Granger?" He sighed.  
  
"Excuse me, it's just...um...what's the potion for sir?"  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"You haven't put a heading on the potion sir. What does it do?"  
  
"When I see fit to tell you Miss Granger, I will. Ten points from Gryffindor for  
  
pointless hand motions."  
  
There was almost an instantaneous burst of anger from the Gryffindor side of the  
  
room. Snape almost smiled. "When I know what the potion does I'll tell you." he  
  
whispered under his breath.  
  
Snape went back to his writing and waited for the screams and explosions.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye he noticed motion. He raised his head and watched as the  
  
door gently creaked open and near the floor two curious eyes peered round the frame.  
  
Snapes eyes slowly followed the octopus as it cautiously trekked a path between the  
  
bags and chair legs, finally coming to rest beside the bag of a certain Draco Malfoy.  
  
The professor froze cold as delicate purple tentacles eased the satchel buckles open  
  
with utmost care. They then opened the bag and began carefully placing the contents  
  
on the floor behind Draco's chair. It seemed to find the bottles of brightly coloured  
  
ink especially enrapturing, shaking them in the light drifting down from the candles  
  
around the walls. With morbid fascination Snape watched as the octopus took what  
  
was clearly a wrapped present, possibly birthday and if he looked closely enough  
  
Snape fancied he could see a tag with the name Pansy on it. Octopus, as Snape now  
  
thought of it, seemed to think that the paper looked tasty and began to unburden it of  
  
its filling and the professor nearly burst out laughing when he saw it was a copy of  
  
"how to spice up your love life using common potion ingredients". Octopus had  
  
reached the bottom of Draco's now empty shoulder bag and tipped it upside down and  
  
shook. Out fell Malfoy's wand. Octopus slowly picked it up, studied it first with one  
  
huge gelatinous eye, then the other and at long last ran a tentacle along its length  
  
thoughtfully. Then banged it against the back legs of Draco's chair, which promptly  
  
disappeared. Draco, falling backwards as one is wont to do when the rear legs of ones  
  
chair have disappeared, grabbed desperately at the only thing handy: his cauldron.  
  
Meanwhile the octopus had chosen to disappear.  
  
It wasn't until after he had sent Draco to the hospital wing (with an interesting case of  
  
blue phosphorescent scales), Potter and Weasley had been assigned detention for good  
  
measure ("but sir! It wasn't us, honest") and the resulting mess had been cleaned up,  
  
that Snape found what he was looking for. It was hiding underneath one of the desks  
  
that this afternoons 'accident' had left unharmed.  
  
Snape just smiled. "Feeling hungry are we Octopus?" He said, then shaking a bright  
  
red leash at it "We'd better take a walk over to Uncle Lupins office then hadn't we?"  
  
finis  
  
tadaaa its over, you can all go home now. 


End file.
